David Stevens

Posts Tagged ‘humour’

His “Dutch” Period

In Uncategorized on September 10, 2017 at 8:56 pm

In centuries to come, when literary experts comment upon my oeuvre, as they no doubt shall, they will remark of my Dutch period that my characters spend much of their time climbing up or down stairs, and complaining about aches in their legs. In the words of Dr Zachary Smith, the pain, the pain …

(As opposed to my Australian period, where characters spent their time in the bodies of goannas, having sex with each other.)

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How the Australian Cricket team could FEED THE WORLD

In Uncategorized on February 28, 2017 at 9:05 pm

I dream of an ink vampire, draining chinese ideograms, celtic crosses, pictures of dogs, MOM, southern crosses, rebel flags, big boobed naked girls, meaningless epigrams, fanned cards, LOVE, band names, HATE, gothic script, military insignia, stupid lyrics, astrological signs, hula dancers, horned devils, feathered chiefs, bible quotes, affirmations, garish sleeves.  How it thrives now, after years of sustaining itself only on sailors, convicts, military personnel and bikies.  It has added hipsters and wannabes, footballers and cricket captains to its food supply.  All the skinny Zooey Deschanels of the world, not much blood, but lots of ink.  Spread the disease, so that the hungry may feed on the hipster inksters.  Share the plague, disseminate it throughout the world, so that the hungry hordes may rise up, then descend.  How they scream, the victims when they awake, searching their bodies for their specially chosen design, but finding only a faint outline left.  “Do you know how much that cost me?”  A small child wipes its mouth, hunger sated for the first time.  INK!  MORE!

Johannes Cabal, Devotee

In Uncategorized on July 17, 2014 at 6:53 pm

Despite myself, despite (or because of) the smart arsery of the humour, I have enjoyed the three published volumes of the adventures of Johannes Cabal, Necromancer. Each time I have said, ‘Enough’, only to go crawling back for another serving. Noticing the third edition was published in 2011, more than enough time to have allowed the publication of several dozen more volumes (I expect others to write much more quickly than myself), I checked various sources, including the author’s website. Firstly, I discovered the next book is due out later this year, and it will involve war and Johannes’s vampire brother, who does not sparkle in the sunlight, so good all round. Secondly, checking out his spotify mix tape thingy on his site, I discovered that Jonathan L Howard is a great Devo fan. What greater recommendation could there be? Devo songs. Devo covers.  At least one Devo cover cover. I recommend his books (and his mix tape) to you.

Dachshund

In Uncategorized on July 5, 2014 at 1:40 pm

My eldest daughter dreamed that we bought a dachshund. She cuddled it at the breeder’s, and everyone was very happy with the new sausage dog. Next in the dream, I was driving the car with the family. My daughter looked out and saw our new dog on the road. I saw it too, accelerated and veered to make sure I hit it. The front wheel ran over the dog, which exploded with a satisfying popping sound. My daughter started crying in the dream, at which I became annoyed and said ‘Don’t you dare be upset. That’s what we bought it for’. On waking, she told me the dream, and I laughed, because I thought the end was funny. However, I am still being treated as though I deliberately ran over the family pet, just to get a good noise.

I’ll just stress again, this was all a dream.