David Stevens

Posts Tagged ‘humour’

Mormon boys

In Uncategorized on March 5, 2018 at 5:47 pm

Lonely Mormons

far from home

wandering through the great apostasy.

Tempted by Coca Cola,

shunning coffee and other like beverages,

is your truth too good for me?

You rush to share it

with the pretty Asian girls.

Was there nothing on

those buried gold plates

Elohim wanted you

to share with me?

I’ll just have to cross my own desert.

Not for the first time.

*****

Those Mormon boys were hanging around Chinatown in Sydney, and no matter how many times I walked past, ready to talk to them about Joseph Smith, they were too busy sharing their truth with pretty girls.

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Solitaire

In Uncategorized on February 20, 2018 at 2:08 pm

Everyone has different reasons that bring them here, but mostly, the differences are superficial. The truth is, man turns to solitaire for one reason – the desire to bring order out of chaos.

Not to avoid working on that difficult next draft?

No. Who are you? What a trivial response! Katie Holmes. I’m out of here …

Curse you, Microsoft …

Sralya Day

In Uncategorized on January 24, 2018 at 10:13 pm

Coming soon to a local park / race track / footy field / beach near you: Australia Day. You can tell by all of the people walking around dressed in Australian flags. Otherwise, you might not know that it is Australia Day, or that you are in Australia. And you wouldn’t want to make a mistake about that, there could be consequences. I still remember when Australia Day was a dusty little public holiday tucked away towards the back of the summer pack, hey a day off, thank you very much. Now it is a thing. Not unlike a sad party thing. So here is my yearly offering, an alleged poem, for Australia Day. There you go, get some culture into ya, ya bastard. Clear your plate, there’s plenty more. Now once more, with feeling …

FLAG DAY

It was Flag Day

so we wrapped ourselves in our flags

and went to the pub.

Everybody else had the same idea, but.

All the flags were the same

because we are all Flaglanders.

It would have been nice to wrap myself

in the flag of difference

but I was too scared.

Everyone looked the same.

The fun idea had become

A Sad Party Thing.

It doesn’t matter.

The flag unites us.

Our fear of looking different unites us.

All eyes are wary on Flag Day.

Everyone smiles with their mouths

as they lift their beers,

but all those eyes are looking about.

And those eyes are quick.

You don’t want to stand out.

Not on Flag Day.

There are no excuses.

It is not “I pay my taxes” day.

It is not “I am a human being, I have rights” day.

It is fucking Flag Day.

Alright?

You sad party thing.

His “Dutch” Period

In Uncategorized on September 10, 2017 at 8:56 pm

In centuries to come, when literary experts comment upon my oeuvre, as they no doubt shall, they will remark of my Dutch period that my characters spend much of their time climbing up or down stairs, and complaining about aches in their legs. In the words of Dr Zachary Smith, the pain, the pain …

(As opposed to my Australian period, where characters spent their time in the bodies of goannas, having sex with each other.)

How the Australian Cricket team could FEED THE WORLD

In Uncategorized on February 28, 2017 at 9:05 pm

I dream of an ink vampire, draining chinese ideograms, celtic crosses, pictures of dogs, MOM, southern crosses, rebel flags, big boobed naked girls, meaningless epigrams, fanned cards, LOVE, band names, HATE, gothic script, military insignia, stupid lyrics, astrological signs, hula dancers, horned devils, feathered chiefs, bible quotes, affirmations, garish sleeves.  How it thrives now, after years of sustaining itself only on sailors, convicts, military personnel and bikies.  It has added hipsters and wannabes, footballers and cricket captains to its food supply.  All the skinny Zooey Deschanels of the world, not much blood, but lots of ink.  Spread the disease, so that the hungry may feed on the hipster inksters.  Share the plague, disseminate it throughout the world, so that the hungry hordes may rise up, then descend.  How they scream, the victims when they awake, searching their bodies for their specially chosen design, but finding only a faint outline left.  “Do you know how much that cost me?”  A small child wipes its mouth, hunger sated for the first time.  INK!  MORE!

Johannes Cabal, Devotee

In Uncategorized on July 17, 2014 at 6:53 pm

Despite myself, despite (or because of) the smart arsery of the humour, I have enjoyed the three published volumes of the adventures of Johannes Cabal, Necromancer. Each time I have said, ‘Enough’, only to go crawling back for another serving. Noticing the third edition was published in 2011, more than enough time to have allowed the publication of several dozen more volumes (I expect others to write much more quickly than myself), I checked various sources, including the author’s website. Firstly, I discovered the next book is due out later this year, and it will involve war and Johannes’s vampire brother, who does not sparkle in the sunlight, so good all round. Secondly, checking out his spotify mix tape thingy on his site, I discovered that Jonathan L Howard is a great Devo fan. What greater recommendation could there be? Devo songs. Devo covers.  At least one Devo cover cover. I recommend his books (and his mix tape) to you.

Dachshund

In Uncategorized on July 5, 2014 at 1:40 pm

My eldest daughter dreamed that we bought a dachshund. She cuddled it at the breeder’s, and everyone was very happy with the new sausage dog. Next in the dream, I was driving the car with the family. My daughter looked out and saw our new dog on the road. I saw it too, accelerated and veered to make sure I hit it. The front wheel ran over the dog, which exploded with a satisfying popping sound. My daughter started crying in the dream, at which I became annoyed and said ‘Don’t you dare be upset. That’s what we bought it for’. On waking, she told me the dream, and I laughed, because I thought the end was funny. However, I am still being treated as though I deliberately ran over the family pet, just to get a good noise.

I’ll just stress again, this was all a dream.