David Stevens

Posts Tagged ‘parody’

Tips for good living

In Uncategorized on February 13, 2014 at 11:27 pm

In this modern hurly burly world, it is important to have a code to live by. These are the tips I give my children:

1. Don’t marry an evil person.

2. Don’t eat candy you find lying around.

3. Remember, guns don’t kill people. Mostly, its the bullets.

4. You know those bestest ever bestest friends you love so much now? Five minutes after you leave school, you’ll never see them again. Friends are replaceable. So is money, but you have to work to get that.

7. If you hear a scary noise outside, stay inside. And take off that red shirt.

8. Lots of the stuff your parents tell you will turn out to be right, which is very very annoying.

9. Let it go. Let it all go.

10. Don’t. You will get caught.

11. If your plane is about to crash, try and be floaty.

12. Don’t start a land war in south east Asia.

13. Don’t get a tattoo with your girl/boy friend’s name, because they are hard to change. Get a generic one, like “Boyfriend” or “I heart Girlfriend”.

14. Flags are not worth dying for, and taste like shit.

15. Stephen King needs to find characters who are not best selling authors.

16. Don’t tease vegans, they bite.

17. It is possible to own too many books about wars. And to read ‘The Day of the Triffids’ too often.

18. Tolerance is no excuse.

19. Keep the door closed to prevent rats come in.

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Unknown short Wes Anderson film

In Uncategorized on January 28, 2014 at 8:37 am

I was not aware that Wes Anderson was a contributor to Bucketman’s oeuvre. One may think Bucketman the antithesis of quirkiness, favouring direct story telling for human beings. However, as Bucketman has said in the past, “Hipsters gotta hip”, so who can hold it against them. Or him. Either of him. When aliens invade Earth, I for one do not want Anderson to be directing the defence. However, despite his well established credentials in alien fighting and other important things (Thunderbirds, UFO, Captain Scarlet, Space:1999), ultimately I have to concede that Wes Anderson would do a better job than Gerry Anderson, largely because Gerry Anderson is dead. Still, it was a close run thing. The advice I would give Mr Anderson (pre-posthumous) is to try to get some alien fighting product into his resume, so that on the day film makers must stand up and direct something useful, he is not found lacking.

Hip to the max

In Uncategorized on October 19, 2013 at 3:27 am

Don’t say I’m no hep cat, I’m hip to where the youngsters are at. I keep myself youthful by staying in touch with my inner child and staying alert to the latest jive. Wanna stay young, have to keep with it, dog! Been listening to Katy Perry singing Roar …

(Do you get the feeling that Poe has lost it since he … well, since he died? Sold out perhaps? Have you read “The Bloody Red Baron” by Kim Newman? Poe becomes the biographer of the Red Baron who is indeed bloody.)

(Thanks to Rachel Stanford)

Hey Ugly Fat Old Man

In Uncategorized on June 7, 2013 at 12:16 pm

I was invited to contribute a story on “mirrors” to a blog.  While I wrote it, I inserted a “poem” about mirrors as a place holder.  The editor deleted it because poems are not stories.  Woah, censorship!  Fascism!  No, those weren’t my reactions.  I felt guilty for breaking the rules of someone else’s blog, especially with something so inane.  As penance, here is the alleged poem:

 

Hey ugly fat old man

what do you think you are doing

just standing there staring at me like that

with your face covered in shaving cream?

What happened to that young guy

you people used to have

on the other side of the mirror?

Did he get bored hanging around?

Went looking for somewhere more interesting

to hang out?

You may as well stick around,

I suppose.

I hate to think who they might send

to replace you,

if you were to go.

You’ve got his nose, you know.

You two related?

How come you got so many ugly people

over there?

***

Pathetique. Its less pathetic, when its in French.