I guess ‘Zoltan – Hound of Dracula’ and ‘The Amazing Dobermans’ may have been on my mind when I entitled this story that has nothing to do with vampires or circus dogs or killer dogs, though there are dogs within it. It was published in Sci.Phi under the more sedate but possibly equally misleading title, ‘Mr Cranky‘. It features the titular Mr Cranky, aka Brian, supported by his neighbour, Professor George. It should not be confused with its companion piece, ‘The Final Hypotheses of Professor G,’ which features Professor George, with his neighbour Brian in a supporting role. (There is also a dog.) Important that I set that out for future historians and literary critics. (George also appears in ‘My Life as a Lizard‘, playing the neighbour in a coffin at his funeral. There are evil dogs. I try to keep myself amused.)

“I read about this bloke who went to the doctor with a rash. The doctor checked him out thoroughly, on the off chance.” Brian wasn’t looking directly at George’s face, but he still caught the old man’s eye roll, and his face burned in response. Who does he think he is? “The doctor prodded his stomach and it was firm and tight. Turns out, it was because he only moved his bowels every six weeks. He thought that was normal, but no one had ever told him otherwise.”

…

“The bloke who only did a shit once every six weeks— if it was me, no one would be reading about it in the paper. No one would know. Once I realised he’d caught on that I was weird, I’d have just changed doctors and kept my mouth shut.”

Mr Cranky – READ MORE